Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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