if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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