There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
