If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
