if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
