i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Randomize
