Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
