hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
