happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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