looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
