is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
