I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
How's work?
Spinning.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
