it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
