drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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