Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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