On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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