I love black thongs
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Randomize
