I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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