I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
