Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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