she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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