Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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