Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
