I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
