Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
