is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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