Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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