me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
