Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
