i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
