If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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