Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
