So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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