I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
