In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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