I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
NoShamevember. You game?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Oh god it's open bar.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
