Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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