This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
