he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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