I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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