Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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