I want to have your abortion
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Is Oprah even human
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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