So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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