there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
