she was so not down for the gang bang
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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