he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
