The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
