You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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