i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
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