god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
