i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
